


What Do Y O U Want?

by jungsoy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, also taeyong is mentioned slightly, and then he becomes something at the end???, doyoung isnt mental, guess who dies!!!!, im sorry taeil isnt bad, major self-harming, oops!!!, soulmates?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 15:44:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14835167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jungsoy/pseuds/jungsoy
Summary: "What do you want?"I want death to be upon me."doyoung has seven (7) lives and he wants to end them all





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> jaehyun is a year older than doyoung here!!

Doyoung lost his parents at the age of nine. He had nowehere to go so he was sent to the boys' home. He became such a quiet boy, the others used it against him. They threw their burden on him, knowing that Doyoung would carry them without complaining. They shoot nasty remarks to him, knowing Doyoung would just absorb them and not fight back. Doyoung thought he was a good boy, why didn't anyone from his extended family adopt him or just take care of him till he is 16 or something? The older he gets, the more he thinks about it.

He always hear his parents fighting with what he assumed were his grandparents on the phone. He often heard words like 'disowned', 'never', 'death' and many more. He fixed all the puzzle pieces and came to a conclusion that his parents got him at a young and inappropriate age and got disowned from both sides. Nevertheless, he was showered with love and his parents cared about him a lot. He knew he had an older brother but was he was aborted before he was born. Doyoung was always brought to the grave of his late-brother. Doyoung always think that he would live such a happy life with just his parents but his happy thoughts got snatched away when someone came to sabotage his father's business and set fire to his small, little, cozy home. Doyoung was hesitantly saved by the onlookers and was then sent to the boys' home.

As a child, it was traumatizing and it was what made Doyoung a very quiet child. Doyoung is now in his early teens and all he wanted to do was to quickly get to the age of 16 and get far far away from the boys' home. The boys' home wasn't what everyone had expected. It was a dark and scary place for kids to be taken care at. The workers aren't even close to nice, they force the boys to get dressed, to bathe and eat. If someone didn't followed their orders, they'll bring them to the special room and from what Doyoung heard, the special box for punishment would be taken out. The child would need to choose from the box and get his punishment. Doyoung hates the sound of it, so he avoids it at all cost. He wakes up when it's time, he bathes and brushes his teeth, he even pick on any stray rice on his plate. But he never hears the words of compliments. Unlike the workers, his parents would pat his head and give him kisses if he did his job well. Doyoung has once too many times felt the rebellion sparked in his body but he never submitted to it.

It was the usual afternoon for when the kids can have free time and play together, and try to _at least_ get along with each other. Doyoung doesn't have friends, they make assumptions about him and his family. He hated hearing them, so he kept quiet. He sat at the corner of the playground, reading his favourite book. He was 14 and he learned almost everything that was supposed to be taught to him, by himself. He learnt to read, he learnt to write, he even learnt about different types of people and the many more possibilities out there. He thought of himself as a bright kid like how his parents used to tell him but others think he's just a free-rider and an outcast at the boys' home.

A ball hit his knee and Doyoung looks up. He pushes the ball back to the owner and continued reading his book. The ball hits Doyoung's knee again, Doyoung just pushes it back. It happened again, and again, and again. Doyoung's head snapped up, a very annoyed expression shown on his face.

The owner smirks playfully, "Can't handle a hit, _weakling_?"

Doyoung sighed, trying to ignore them, straightening the frown he had earlier. This time, his knee wasn't the one getting hit, instead the the ball went straight to his face. Doyoung has had enough. He closes his book and took the ball in his hands. Doyoung wasn't quite tall for his age, he also had a small and lean frame, he wasn't intimidating to the other kids. He opted to throw to ball back at them but he felt the sudden rush of anger and all the pent up frustrations reached its limit. Doyoung threw the ball with full force. He was overwhelmed with an unknown power that didn't only made him throw the ball, but he also started to thrash the play area. Doyoung became madder and madder and was blinded by his psychotic self that he picked up a gardening tool and threw it. It landed perfectly on the bully's forehead, bull's eye. The kids started to scream, the workers started coming in and the last thing Doyoung saw was his favourite book.

He woke up with a headache, probably due to the sleeping medicine they gave him earlier. He sat up to see his surroundings, despite the throbbing pain in his brain. Everything was white and he was sure it wasn't heaven, he deserved hell after what he did, _but they deserved it better_. He wipes the sudden dripping of blood from his cheekbone and hoped off the bed. He walked around the unknown place and met more types of people. He saw problematic kids, he saw whining adults, he saw zombie-like humans and he saw psychos. Doyoung shivered, they sent him here. They sent him to a mental hospital. Doyoung walked farther into the building, observing all the different patients. Some gave him a pity smile because a child wasn't suppose to be sent here. While others gave him a stink-eye, especially the nurses. How much have they hated their job. Doyoung felt that this is even worse than the boys' home.

Doyoung wanted to leave. Doyoung make a run for it.


	2. second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> doyoung made a new friend! guess who!

Doyoung ran passed the nurses. They chased him alongside the workers that was specialized for him. Doyoung ran down the flight of stairs and jumped off the last three. He couldn't find his way, he couldn't see the exit anywhere. Doyoung ran through the corridor and was caught with a dead end. Doyoung panted and cussed, he turned around to see the people that chased him earlier, trying to catch their breath as well. Doyoung looked around, making out an escape plan in his smart brain. He sees the panel but there was no barrier, he would risk it, even if he dies, he could avoid the world as a whole. Doyoung made his steps as small as possible. Old people weren't paying attention to him as he quickly jumped as high as he could and grabbed for the panel. The next thing he know, there were screaming and he was falling, at a very high speed. His mind went blank, body felt numb, he couldn't move a single muscle. His eyes were shut, lips parted. Doyoung could hear movement and then it fades out.

Doyoung woke up, big doe eyes wandering. He sat up, the sudden pain made him hunch. He remembered the room, it's his own special ward. Doyoung sighed, he didn't manage to escape, he didn't manage to die. He threw his head back and swung an arm over his eyes.

"I've heard a lot about you, though you've been here for less than a day." Doyoung shifted his arm, peeking to see who was talking to him.

There he sees, opposite him, a boy, probably older than him, sitting on the table that was supposedly used as a place for Doyoung to study and learn since he was still, _a growing child_. The boy was swinging his legs. Whoever wrapped the bandage on the boy's arms did such a bad job. Half of it didn't even cover the boy's scars and the wounds looked new, a line of blood making its way down the boy's arm. He didn't mind at all, in fact he wasn't even bothered about it.

The boy smiled, "I'm Taeil, Moon Tae Il."

Doyoung gave a small smile, to be polite, "Doyoung. Kim Do Young."

Taeil smiled wider and hopped off the table. He went ahead and made himself comfortable in Doyoung's bed. They shared eye contact for quite sometime, silence fell upon them. It wasn't awkward, instead Doyoung felt a sense of familiarity from the boy's presence. Taeil moved his hands to cup Doyoung's face. He let his hands slide down to Doyoung's shoulders and down his arms, finally holding onto the other's hands.

"You don't look like a suicidal child." Taeil spoke.

Doyoung shivered, "I-I'm not."

"So, you were sent here because you threw a pair of pruners to another boy's forehead, and you tried to jump off a building because you want to escape this place? You're daring." Taeil muses.

Doyoung released his hands from the Taeil's hold, "The kid deserved it."

Taeil scoffed, "You hold a grudge, don't you?"

"Who doesn't."

Taeil nods at the answer and got off Doyoung's bed. He bowed to Doyoung and walked out of the room, only to turn and bid the younger a good night then walking off to his own ward. Doyoung shakes off the anger. He sees his reflection at the TV screen, he cringed. Dark circles were obvious, the scar on his cheekbone doesn't seem to be healing anytime soon and his lips looked abused. He tore his eyes from his reflection, avoiding any more temptations to keep looking at his reflection.

"Bright kid, my ass." Doyoung scoffed and pulled his covers up, dozing off to sleep in just mere seconds.

The next day was the start of hell. Similar to the treatment he got at the boys' home, he was forced to finish his soup that taste purely like water and salt. After breakfast, he was pulled out of bed and was washed and cleaned with cold water. He couldn't even release his hands from the vice grip. he wanted to scream that open wounds and cold water aren't friends! Doyoung bore the pain through gritted teeth. He was then shoved to get dressed and dry his hair. Doyoung doesn't deserve this. What has he done in his previous life that he needed to experience hell on Earth. Doyoung's schedule was thrown to his face, "Read up and better be on time for your classes."

Doyoung glared through hatred filled eyes. The worker just walked off with Doyoung's dirty clothes. Doyoung shuts his eyes and opens them when he hears his door opening, hoping it was Taeil more than anyone else. Like he hoped, Taeil entered with his hands behind his back. He walked closed enough to Doyoung and brought his hands forward.

"Surprise!" Taeil gave Doyoung the lollipop in his hand and went on to sing Doyoung a birthday song.

Doyoung was touched. He remembered his birthday but he didn't know someone else would remember it with him. Doyoung held the lollipop firmly between his palms and he made a wish. Usually after making a wish, he'll blow off the candles but since they didn't have candles and a proper birthday cake, Taeil gave Doyoung a dandelion to blow. They two were all smiles. Doyoung didn't know he was capable of having happiness again, smiling like there's no tomorrow. The two boys ate their lollipop and shared their darkest secrets with one another. No doubt, the two clicked fast and they became bestfriends over the next few days. They even had the same classes, so Doyoung wasn't alone for at least 20 hours of his day. Maybe he doesn't want to avoid the mental hospital just yet. It'll take just one more year, and he can escape the hell, maybe bringing Taeil along with him as well.

 

 

_The figure held the knife high, threatening the small one below him. The smaller protested and tried to squirm away from the hold but it was all of no use because then the knife was dragged across his face, slowly but painfully and it ends at where the heart beats. The smaller let out a cry of pain._

Doyoung woke up, the scream still tingling in his ear. He hoped the nightmare stops because it has been going on for a few days now.

"I'm not one of them." Doyoung assured himself.


	3. third

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> escape tingz
> 
> doyoung is 18 here

Days becomes weeks, weeks turns to months. Months dragged to two years. Doyoung is still in the hospital, he felt restless. The treatment has gotten worser as the rebellion in him start showing itself more often. Doyoung started giving more tantrums, Doyoung started more fights with the other patients or the kids around his age. He always gets new scars but Doyoung had never felt so alive.

"I'm leaving this hell, I'm bringing you with me." Doyoung whispers harshly while he packs his bag in a rush.

"I-I can't leave." Taeil bowed his head.

Doyoung turned his head, "Why?"

"I've escaped, once too many times. They know my ways, but don't worry, I'll be released in two years' time."

Doyoung wanted to protest and drag the other boy out with him but Taeil insisted. Taeil got used to the hospital, while Doyoung would never want to get used to it. Doyoung nodded and finished packing his bag. Well, at least the boys' home sent him his luggage and his clothes plus his favourite book which has a huge blood spot on it, well, due to the accident. Taeil fidgeted as Doyoung seemed so serious to leave. It's true that when he had passed the age of 16, his goal was to leave, Taeil has never seen anyone so determined like Doyoung.

Before Doyoung went for the run, Taeil scribbled numbers and words on a piece of paper and shoved it in Doyoung's pocket, "Good luck, Doyoung."

The two shared a hug and Doyoung bid the older a farewell before climbing the barrier and jumping down, this time, knowing where to place his legs and land, well, not so deadly. He looked up and gave the other a sad smile and then sprints past the security guard who was just casually sleeping on the job. Doyoung climbed the fence and the alarm went off. With a maniac laugh and the sound of people panicking and gathering to catch him, Doyoung ran faster and faster, sprinting past the red lights. Even when Doyoung thinks he's far enough, he still ran at full speed. He looked back for a second and hears a horn, he shifted his gaze towards his side and he saw a car coming at him, full speed. Doyoung couldn't speed up nor slow down so he froze and the last thing he saw was the purple and pink splashed across the skies.

Doyoung opened his eyes, squinting at the sudden light exposure. He heaved a sigh of relief, knowing that he wasn't at the mental hospital or any hospital at least. He sat up, hands a little wobbly as he surveyed his surroundings. _Weird._ Doyoung wasn't sure why he was in a house, a house similar to the one he grew up in, small and cozy. He was in someone else's bed and his wounds are treated. Doyoung was sure the impact from the car was so huge that he should be in his grave by now but no, Doyoung was still in one piece, heart still pumping, senses still working. Doyoung doesn't know what's weirder, him in someone else's house or that he didn't die for the second time. While Doyoung had the small conflict in his mind, a tall teenager walked into the room and set down Doyoung's lunch.

"Hey, I see you're awake? And confused?" The other boy laughed when Doyoung looks up at him with big, doe eyes.

"Wh-Who are you?" Doyoung stuttered.

The other smiled and held out a hand, "I'm Jaehyun, Jung Jae Hyun."

"Doyoung, Kim Do Young." Doyoung bowed and shook the hand.

"Here, eat your lunch first, I'll tell why you're here later." Jaehyun offered to feed Doyoung.

Doyoung was sure he could move his hands but why did he accepted the offer and act like his hands weren't functioning? Doyoung shuts up throughout lunch, keeping the confusion to himself. Billions of questions were bombarding his mind and he just can't find the answers to any of it. After lunch, Doyoung's lips were wiped. Jaehyun sat across of Doyoung, on the bed.

"Firstly, the one who hit you with the car is me. I'm realy sorry, I-I didn't see you, you were running and all," Jaehyun sent Doyoung an apologetic look, "Secondly, you were whispering something about not bringing you back to the hospital and so I brought you home. I knew you wouldn't die because then it'll be creepy to have a dead body in my house and that's the last thing I want. Other than that, I took care of your wounds and surprisingly, your wounds are healing fast." Jaehyun pointed to the fresh wound on Doyoung's left arm that seemed to be healing fast.

"T-thanks?" Doyoung spoke softly, fingers fidgeting.

Jaehyun smiled, he then stood up and made his way to the kitchen. Doyoung watched as Jaehyun leaves the room. He then remembered something. He fished out the piece of paper in his pocket and starts reading it. Written on it were numbers and an address. Doyoung held the piece of paper firmly between his fingers and went to find Jaehyun.

"Jaehyun, can I borrow your telephone?" Doyoung's voice was so soft it's barely audible but Jaehyun catches it anyways.

Jaehyun nods and pointed to the direction of his house telephone. Doyoung said his thanks and quickly moved to the telephone. He pressed the numbers and pressed dial. Doyoung nervously waited as all he heard was ringing, then finally a hushed voice came.

"Taeil hyung!" Doyoung felt his tears filling his eyes.

The two talked for awhile, mostly Doyoung lying to Taeil that he is okay, though he wasn't actually okay physically, and Taeil fussing over a new system the hospital set up. Jaehyun felt his heart clenched, he longed for those type of conversations. His parents abandoned him when he was a baby, so he never really got love. Even the person that took him and gave him shelter while he grew up died after 12 years of taking care of Jaehyun. Jaehyun had to be independent at such a young age. Jaehyun still lives in the house that he grew up in and he swear he always hear the same ol' lullaby the other use to sing to him before he doze off to sleep. Jaehyun was snapped out from his little throwback when Doyoung poked his dimple.

Jaehyun looked at Doyoung, question marks filling the silence. Doyoung whispered, "I need to bath, I smell like a dead body."

Jaehyung chuckled, he showed the shorter his way around the house and prepared fresh clothes for him to wear from his own closet since he washed all of Doyoung's clothes that was from his bag. Jaehyun sighed, Doyoung might leave later on when he gets better, he won't expect the other to stay either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lives left : 5


	4. fourth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filler chapter ; things get shitty after this

It has been five weeks since Doyoung has stayed with Jaehyun. Doyoung was now given his own room, repainted white with a small drawer they found in the store room and a bed. Doyoung thought it was cozy despite Jaehyun wanting to give more than just two piece of furniture. It felt oddly homely, Doyoung missed the feeling.

Doyoung was always asking things, curious about Jaehyun and the outside world and how it's like. Jaehyun would gladly answer them with a dimpled smile. Since Doyoung has made friends with Taeil, he felt that people around his age are somewhat trust-able so he's giving Jaehyun a shot. Even Doyoung doesn't know how long he's going to be staying with Jaehyun for. But he isn't leaving so soon.

"Jaehyun, I'm curious about something." Doyoung asked as he scooted closer to Jaehyun.

Jaehyun raised an eyebrow, "Don't you go to school? You only go out to work, but I never see you going out of the house with a school uniform."

"I don't go to school, I didn't get to go to school ever since I was born."

Doyoung nodded his head and continued reading his book, laying on his tummy. Both f them were sitting inside Doyoung's room, enjoying the silence, nothing too awkward, nothing too stiff, it was just the right amount of comfortable.

"Wanna go out tomorrow?"

Doyoung raised an eyebrow, then nodded eagerly, liked a child.

The next day came fast and Doyoung was already up and impatiently waiting. He fiddled with his fingers while seated at the couch waiting for Jaehyun to get ready. Doyoung was nervous, due to the fact that he has never been out and exploring the outside world like a growing child was suppose to. He was always locked in a room and the farthest he would be with the outside world was just looking out of the window and imagining. He sighed, trying to ease the nervousness. Jaehyun came out a few minutes later and Doyoung was bouncing on his feet, a little too excited for a teen boy. Jaehyun smiled fondly.

For once, Doyoung could breathe in the fresh air of the outside world, since he didn't get the chance to when he escaped. At some point, Doyoung would dash past Jaehyun and stop, twirl and enjoy the air while Jaehyun catches up with him. Jaehyun wanted to tell Doyoung how much he resembled a child but he kept quiet and watched Doyoung with admiration. They arrived at a shopping mall, nothing to crowded for a weekday. When the cold air hits Doyoung, he shivered, a huge smile forming on his lips.

"Where do you want to go first?"

Doyoung pouted, there's so many things he wanna see but he decided that he just wants to walk around until something catches his eye. Kids were running around, catching their friends or getting chased by their parents. A little boy bumped into Doyoung's slender legs, with a little _oof_. Doyoung helped the kid up. His mum came and started pulling the boy away, apologizing to Doyoung. Doyoung smiled and shook his head, no one was hurt so the mother didn't have to apologize.

"Mama, that Hyung looks like a bunny." The little boy blurted out, rather amused.

Doyoung and the boy shared eye contact, Doyoung smiled. The little boy giggled and ran away, not forgetting to wave bye-bye to the bunny-hyung.

"You made a friend!" Jaehyun nudged Doyoung with a smile.

Both of them walk around the shopping mall, not really wanting to stop. Doyoung stopped in his tracks when somehing caught his eye. Jaehyun was busy looking and observing the whole shopping mall behind Doyoung. Doyoung ran to Jaehyun and dragged the other inside the shop while squealing excitedly.

Jaehyun was startled but was replaced with chuckles when he saw what Doyoung was pointing at eagerly. It was a bunny plush toy, nothing too big nor too small, just the right size to be hugged at night. It was pale pink, with big doll eyes, similar to Doyoung human ones. It even has a letter 'D' on its belly, stitched in gold thread. Jaehyun could see stars in Doyoung's eyes when he shoved the plush toy towards Jaehyun, chanting "buy it, buy it."

"Aren't you a little bit too old for that?" Doyoung faked offense.

"You have a dinosaur plush toy that is half my size, and you say I'm too old for a small one." A pout formed on Doyoung's lips.

"I'm just joking, I'll buy it for you, okay?" Jaehyun pinched Doyoung's cheek with amusement.

Jaehyun bought the plush toy, which Doyoung held on to tightly throughout the whole time they were at the shopping mall. They roamed around, walking in and out of stores, buying some new clothes for Doyoung, getting their stomach filled and more walking. They walked home with a few shopping bags, excitement still bubbling in Doyoung. Once inside the house, Doyoung rushed to his room with his clothes and start arranging them in the small drawers. He placed his bunny, which he now calls Dotokki, on his bed, admiring how much more homely his bed looks now.

That night, Doyoung hugged Dotokki tightly, like his life depends on it. Doyoung squirmed in bed, frowning and sweating.

_A knife was pointed right above the left eye, the person holding it having an evident smirk, definitely enjoying it way too much. The victim was trapped against the wall and the knife holder._

_"You didn't obey me, you betrayed me." A sickly sweet voice echoed throughout the room._

_The victim was sweating, body shivering in fear. The knife traveled down the victim's face, blood trailing. Like before, the knife stops at the heart. The holder looks at the victim dead in the eye and stabs the knife in mercilessly. He doesn't stop there, he pulled the knife till just the tip remains and stabbed down harder. The louder the cry from victim gets, the deeper the knife went. The one who held the knife smiled innocently as he watched the other struggle to keep alive._


	5. fifth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one year later

Doyoung was ransacking through his stuffs, searching for an old diary he knew the home had packed for him, since they probably didn't want any evidence of him with them anymore. Once Doyoung saw the black cover of the diary, he quickly flipped through the book, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Doyoung smiled while reading the entries, going back from when he first got the book at the age of ten and his days in the madhouse. He sighed in content, congratulating himself for getting his ass out of there. As he reached the latest entries, the memory of the kid he killed became much vivid, like it just happened yesterday. Doyoung scoffed, he used to have a little bit of guilt in him but to remember it now, _that kid fucking deserved it_. Doyoung hurriedly flipped the diary to the last page, two razor blades fell on to the floor. Since he was too lazy to find a pencil, he picked up one blade, pricking the tip of his index finger with it, a small puddle of blood forming on the tip of his finger. Without hesitation, Doyoung wrote, **'YOONSEON DESERVED TO DIE'** , with his blood. Once he finished, Doyoung sucked the remaining blood from his finger and smiled in satisfaction.

Doyoung's eyes landed on the razors, maybe he had looked passe his temptations to use those on his skin all this while. He picked the other blade, observing it like it was some treasure. Doyoung inhaled, pressing the sharp end of the blade on his milky white skin. He glide the blade across his skin, parallel to his wrist. It didn't cut through his skin but he felt the sting. Doyoung tried again, this time, applying more pressure as he aligned the blade to the same starting point. He glides it down, crimson red trailing after the blade, dripping to the floor. The smell of blood drove him crazy as he soon glided the blade three more times on his wrist, all of which are parallel to one another with a small gap between them. Small puddles of blood was displayed on the floor, but Doyoung didn't bother to clean it. He wiped his wrist on his pants and got up, stretching his limbs as he made his way to his bed, Dotokki welcoming him with sparkling eyes. Doyoung hugged the bunny with his right arm, hugging it tightly as he doze off to dreamland, left arm slipping out of the bed, hanging. 

When Jaehyun came home, there was a faint smell of blood but he wasn't bothered until the smell is the strongest when he walked passed Doyoung's room. The door wasn't locked nor was it even closed properly, so Jaehyun walked in, tip-toeing. He sees an open book with what he assumed was blood-written hangeul characters. The closer he got, the stronger the smell, and he was right. There were two razor blades and puddles of blood near it. Jaehyun exhaled, he hoped Doyoung didn't do anything stupid, but he knows, Doyoung would. He turned to face a sleeping Doyoung, left arm hanging off the bed. There, his wrist was covered with fresh trails of blood and dried ones collected at him palm. Jaehyun shook his head, he hoped this would be the first and the last time. Quietly, Jaehyun went out of the room and returned with a bowl of tap water and a small towel. He cleaned Doyoung's hand, wiped the blood stains on the floor and keeping the razors in the diary before closing it and storing it in the bag. Like always, Doyoung's wounds seemed to heal quite fast after applying a few dabs of ointment. Jaehyun kisses the younger on the forehead before heading out to wash the towel and the bowl.

Doyoung woke up sweating, despite the cool winter air coming from his open window. The smell of blood no longer lingering in the air, and Doyoung felt a little hazy, probably due to the lose of blood. Doyoung took his time to walk to the toilet and have a quick shower, before heading to sit in the kitchen, Jaehyun already cooking dinner. They ate in silence, Jaehyun not knowing how to bring up what he saw just now. Doyoung wasn't bothered by the silence, though it was a little heavy and suffocating.

"Why did you do it?" Jaehyun's voice was almost inaudible but Doyoung heard it anyways.

Doyoung shrug his shoulders, he wasn't lying when he said he didn't know why either, "Probably just curious?"

Jaehyun patted the younger's head, "Don't do it again, okay?"

The subject was dropped and was never raised again, _but will Doyoung ever listen?_

This time, Doyoung saw different types of sharp objects, a shattered piece of a mirror, a small knife and his own nails, which weren't really sharp but it can be deadly plus it might draw blood. Doyoung was similar to a child who got a new toy and is experimenting all the different types of function the toy have. Doyoung stared at the items, clearly hesitant but Jaehyun's words were overpowered by the curiosity that was gnawing on his brain. He picked up the small knife, poking it on his thigh before dragging it downwards. He does it a few more times before going in with the mirror piece. Doyoung just slashed a few lines here and there, not really caring if Jaehyun could see them afterwards. This time, the lines weren't parallel, rather, they were criss-crossed, overlapping one another which stung a lot yet all Doyoung felt was the rush of energy in him, like he is slowly going crazy. Doyoung dug his nails deep into his arms, drawing blood, he sighed, content with the outcome. After he was satisfied with his so-called 'masterpiece', Doyoung dipped himself into the bathtub, blood fusing with water, making the water turn blood red fast. Usually for others, to wash their open wounds under water would be a pain in the ass but for Doyoung, the stinging calmed him down, unlike the time he was forced to wash his open wound under cold water in the mental institute. He felt himself calm down with every second he lowered himself in the blood water. After staying in the water for more than his lungs could handle, Doyoung choked, coughing for oxygen, but he forced himself to stay under water, at last he didn't move.

Jaehyun came home, running around the house, frantically finding for Doyoung. He smelled blood and he barged into the toilet. The tub still filled with blood water, _where's Doyoung?_ Jaehyun panicked, he rushed to the tub and searched, his hand felt a face. Jaehyun hurriedly pulled the face up, revealing a pale Doyoung, not at all breathing. He pulled the smaller completely out of the tub, taking note of all the new slashes on the once milky white skin, wrapping the body with a towel. He does the necessary and waited till Doyoung catches his breath again.

Doyoung did, after another 2 hours of being knocked out. Jaehyun couldn't get a blink of sleep, worried that his assumptions weren't true, but it's true after all, Doyoung couldn't die, _he was one of them._

"That's thirty new slashes for today," he sighed, "I thought we promised not to do it anymore," Jaehyun held Doyoung's hand, caressing it, "I trust you wouldn't do this again, okay?"

All Doyoung did was nod, _but can he really push back the curiosity?_


	6. sixth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my favorite chapter?
> 
> guess who is mentioned!
> 
> guess who doyoung bumped into!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay guys doyoung is not mental, he is just amused with blood and how it holds such a pretty colour.

Doyoung smashed a mirror, collecting the pieces into his palm. Doyoung does understand that Jaehyun doesn't want him to harm himself, but that doesn't mean he would stop doing it. Doyoung's old wounds have already healed. He is used to seeing his skin being marked that he is rather agitated when he sees just a blank, milky white canvas. Jaehyun has been keeping a close eye on Doyoung and Doyoung felt very restless, always reaching out for the mirror piece in his diary and then putting it back.

Now that Jaehyun has loosen up, Doyoung felt daring. Jaehyun was at work again, making Doyoung feel even more daring. He picked up the biggest piece and dragged it freely across his skin. Doyoung felt like a child, painting for art class. He dig it deeper into his skin and dragged it down, letting the blood follow the mirror piece, like ink. Doyoung put down the piece, dabbing his fingers into his blood. He brought the fingers up and drags in underneath his eyes, on his cheeks. Doyoung giggled at how funny he _thought_ he look and does it again.

Doyoung hasn't seen himself in the mirror since the day he had seen his reflection at the mental institute. He doesn't like how he looks and he would avoid any reflective surfaces, at all cost. The mirror pieces Doyoung collect would be turned the other way so he doesn't have to worry at how cynical he looks and how this is a wrong thing to do.

Doyoung laid on the bathroom floor, body aching from hunching too long. He smiled as he tightened his grip onto the pieces, blood creeping out from his fist. He laid for another five minutes, staring at the ceiling. Doyoung then got up and washes himself, not putting any ointment on his fresh wounds and went straight to his bed, hugging Dotokki as he drifted to sleep.

Jaehyun sighed, his head starts to spin. The smell of blood drove him crazy and he wished Doyoung would stop. He walked into Doyoung's room, quietly treating the new slashes while counting them. Jaehyun sighed again. _How could Doyoung look so peaceful when what he's doing is clearly showing his distress._ Jaehyun pats the younger's cheek, "Twenty-one slashes for today, and a splinter."

Doyoung doesn't stop but the number of new wounds was decreasing. Jaehyun hoped that the number would hit zero soon. Jaehyun gave up on telling Doyoung to stop because he knows the kid would get bored of it sooner or later. He left the house after kissing Doyoung on his forehead.

Doyoung woke up with an idea in his head but he forgot about it after eating breakfast. He sat in the living room, swinging his legs, thinking of something to do, like a bored child. Doyoung stood up with a sigh before wearing his shoes and headed out, not forgetting to lock the door behind him. He walked around, waving back to kids who waved at him, smiling ever so widely when elders called him a handsome, young man. Doyoung became shy after a few years of not being in the institute. He no longer felt the need to rebel, just that, he wants to harm himself out of pure fun. 

"Hey kid, put that back," The cashier warned, "Unless you're paying for it."

Doyoung read his name tag, "Tae-yong. You like just a few years older than me, but you're calling me a kid," Doyoung grinned, "Can I call you old man?"

"You're a kid in my view, now pay up, or leave." Taeyong, the cashier, clicked his tongue.

"Uhm, I'm not paying." Doyoung smiled cheekily, even sticking his tongue, before running out of the store.

He heard Taeyong screaming after him but then he hears a "Fine, I let you go just once." Doyoung smiled as he slows his pace and started walking again. He walked where his legs would lead him while chewing on the gum he got for free, or stole, _same thing_. Doyoung walked till he found himself standing in front of an old, abandoned house. It looks burnt, judging from the soot that covered the whole house and the missing patch of grass around the house. Doyoung walked closer, spitting out his gum to his left.

Doyoung knocked on the door, though it was unnecessary. He opened the half-broken door and let himself in. He felt oddly welcomed, like there were two pairs of arms welcoming him. The house felt very cozy, full of love despite the smell of dead rats filling his nose. There were so much dust but it doesn't stop Doyoung from spotting the piano and making himself comfortable in front of the piano. He dust off the dust sitting on the cover and opened it. He allowed his fingers to glide over the keys, though most of them are already out-of-key. Doyoung played a tune that he himself wasn't sure where he heard from but it was a very familiar tune. It was probably the lullaby his mum used to sing him to sleep.

"Doyoung, honey? Is that you?" He heard a woman's voice.

Doyoung's fingers ended the song, he then turned around to see a middle-aged lady looking rather happy. Soon after, a middle-aged man came and pulled him up. Doyoung felt himself cry when he realized that that were his parents, all grown up to be elders. He hugged them, sobbing into their shoulders while they pat his back. _How long ago was it since he got a hug from his parents like this?_ They pulled away, wiping their son's tears away. Doyoung's dad held his shoulder as they complimented on how handsome he has gotten over the years, how tall he is, standing taller than his own father. Doyoung laughed, he wanted to talk to his parents forever, holding onto their hands and take care of them.

Before Doyoung could talk about what was on his mind, the loving gaze of his parents changed into something so spiteful, full of hatred. His dad's grip on his shoulder became too tight for comfort. Doyoung pulled away, he was sure that there were marks on his shoulders. His elders started chanting, chanting words that didn't make sense to Doyoung. Doyoung looks at them worriedly, "Mama? Papa?"

He took a step back as they took a step towards him, voice growing louder and louder until it mix to become something monstrous. Doyoung crouched down, eyes filling with tears yet again, gasping for air, screaming for them to stop, whatever they were. It was too suffocating and they were too close to Doyoung. Doyoung didn't know they looked this ugly. With shaky legs, he stood up, covering his ears, taking hurried steps backwards before bursting out of the broken door, breaking it to pieces. He ran away, tears streaming down his face. Doyoung ran as fast as he could. He doesn't look back even when the voices faded to nothing.

Doyoung cried harder until he couldn't breathe. He ran faster and ended up bumping into someone. They both fell to the ground, Doyoung on top of the person. Doyoung brought his face up from the person's chest, with a blurry vision, he tried to make out the person's face.

"Doyoung?" The voice was familiar.

Doyoung sobs, "Taeil hyung?"


	7. seventh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who knew all the planes we flew good things we've been through that'll i'll be standing right here talking to you  
>  _don't be deceived by that good character_

Taeil and Doyoung went off to sit somewhere far away from the house. They bought ice-cream and sat down, both too cautious to start a conversation. Taeil cracked his neck before clearing his throat, bringing Doyoung's attention to him.

"Where were you from?" Doyoung immediately looked down.

"I-I went to my old house, i-it was cozy!" Doyoung lied.

Taeil raised his brows, "If it was cozy, why were you crying and running away, as if something was chasing you?"

"Let's not talk about that anymore, _please_?" Doyoung pleaded.

Taeil sighed and nodded. The two sat in silence for a few minutes before Taeil spoke up, "I'm curious, where have you been all this while?"

Doyoung looked up before telling Taeil what happened after he ran away. From getting hit by a car, to staying in someone's house to making a new friend. Taeil was slightly jealous that Doyoung found a new friend. He was worried Doyoung was going to leave him like his other friends would. Taeil smiled as he saw how Doyoung was animatedly talking about how he bought a bunny and how his room is so big and warm. Doyoung looked at Taeil's reactions, wary.

All that's left was for Doyoung to spill about his near-death experiences, getting new wounds every week and getting scolded by Jaehyun. But Doyoung keeps those omitted, he doesn't want to worry Taeil further. This much information is enough for today's catch-up session. Doyoung straightened up, "I think it's late, I should get going, someone's gonna get worried."

Taeil insisted on sending Doyoung home, even when Doyoung said he can take care of himself.

"You'll get hurt, again." Is all Taeil said and now they're walking home together.

The two walked and walked until they reached the junction just before the convenience store. Doyoung was bouncing on his feet, nervous by Taeil's sudden strong aura, somewhere along the line of possessive. The light turned green for the pedestrians. At the corner of Taeil's eyes, he saw a speeding motorcycle but he was too slow at pulling Doyoung back. Once Doyoung took his first step on the road, he was hit, _hard_. The driver, not wanting to get caught, just drove away, almost hitting another pedestrian.

Doyoung lay there unconscious, his eyes going white, a puddle of blood surrounding him. People started gathering around him, fussing about what happened. Taeil cut through the crowd after stoning for a few more seconds. He took Doyoung's hand, crying for Doyoung to stay with him until they get help. Doyoung's grip was loosening until it dropped to the ground. The crowd gasped while someone anxiously nudged Taeil that the ambulance is coming. Taeil almost snapped but he stopped himself when he saw several pair of eyes staring at him. He opted to just nodding.

The two reached the hospital safely. Doyoung was taken care of and only after two hours was Taeil able to enter the ward. Taeil stretched while he walked around Doyoung's ward. He had washed his hands and changed his clothes as he didn't want to smell like a dead body. He took a seat at the stool situated next to the hospital bed. Taeil eyed Doyoung's possessions, which included a phone, his wallet, a gum pack and a sweet wrapper. The hospital must have taken it out from when cleaning Doyoung and his wounds.

"Probably more than just a head concussion." Taeil murmured as he idly took Doyoung's phone.

Doyoung was given a phone, from Jaehyun, as a celebratory gift for his birthday. They had matching phone cases because Doyoung insisted, _"It's cute, like us."_

Taeil unlocked the phone, taking his time to look for the contacts app. There was only three contacts, Jaehyun, Taeil and a number saved under the name 'Ahjussi'. Taeil doesn't ponder on how the number for "Ahjussi" seemed familiar to him. He called Jaehyun, after three rings there was a faint "Hello?"

Taeil took a deep breath, "Hi, uhm, I'm Taeil," Taeil fidgeted, "Doyou-uh, Doyoung was involved in an accident earlier on while we were walking home." Taeil heard rustling, probably Jaehyun rushing to get his things pack.

"Text me where both of you are, I'm on my way." Taeil nodded before he hung up.

Taeil sighed before sending a text to Jaehyun the hospital's name and the ward number. He then tossed the phone on to the table. Taeil patted Doyoung's hand before leaving the ward.

Jaehyun reached the hospital panicking. _Did Doyoung try to kill himself again? Did someone push him? Was it planned? Accidental? Is he alright? He has to be!_ He knocked on the door twice before entering. He noticed how lifeless Doyoung looked but the monitor shows that he is indeed, still alive, much to Jaehyun's relief. Jaehyun looked around the room to see any signs of the 'Taeil' who called him but he saw how empty the ward is. He plopped down on the stool and reached for Doyoung's hand, praying for Doyoung to have a speedy recovery.

"Wake up soon, please. I know it is not the end." Jaehyun begged, softly.

Unknown to the ones inside the ward, Taeil haven't actually left the hospital. He was lurking around until Jaehyun reached. He stopped by the door, looking through the glass, memorizing how Jaehyun's face looks like even his face wasn't on display fully. Taeil shoved his hands in his pocket and walked away.

_The figures from the house started hovering his body, threatening to put their foot down on his chest. After much thrashing, the figures went closer and closer and laid their foot into his chest, deep. He was choking, suffocating, in need of air but all he could do was cry and whine. His hands couldn't move as if they were magnets, attracted to the metal railings of the bed. With a chuckle, the figures disappeared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pssst, don't kill me.  
> i did this in the middle of doing my notes for my term tests huehue
> 
> BUT EXAMS ARE OVER
> 
> lives left : 2

**Author's Note:**

> @jungsoy - twitter


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